


Life After Death: Reflections

by AGJ1990



Series: Evelyn Winchester [39]
Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 20:00:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14003592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGJ1990/pseuds/AGJ1990
Summary: The thoughts of all the major characters from the time of Evy's death until she comes back into everyone's life.





	1. Five Minutes Later

**Author's Note:**

> The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. The original character of Evelyn Winchester does.

**Dean**

You just...I can’t even think it, much less say it. Baby girl, how could you do this? How could you leave us like this? I know you did it to save the planet and everything. That’s all well and good. But how are me and Sammy supposed to move on after this? How can we? What’s life gonna be like without you?

               Sam is on his bed, still holding onto you. I’m gonna miss you, sure. But I don’t even know how Sam is gonna live without you. You’ve been his whole life. Taking care of you gave him a purpose in his life that didn’t have to do with hunting. You gave him a reason to keep going when he didn’t think he could. I’ve never heard him cry like he’s doing right now. If I knew it would work, I’d sell my soul all over again to bring you back and help Sam.

               I’m gonna try again to get Sam to let me take you and move you to your bed. I tried it right after you died, but he pushed me away. He’s refusing to let you go. Cass is still standing there at the foot of the bed, looking lost. I guess the only thing we can do right now is wait this out. Let Sam cry himself out, then figure out what to do from there.

               God, this hurts. How could you do this, kiddo? How? Come back to us, sweetheart. Please.

**Cass**

               I’ve been alive since the beginning of creation. I’ve seen everything. The wonders and mysteries of heaven are not really a wonder or mystery to me. I understand them like most semi-well educated humans can understand the ways in which the natural world works. But the one thing that has always been a mystery to me is human emotion. I’ve never understood how humans are able to function when emotion clouds so much of their lives.

               But I find myself unable to block out this emotion I’m feeling now. I believe it’s called shock. I feel numb inside. Empty. I know in my head that you’re dead, that you’re never coming back here to your brothers. To me. I know it, but I can’t understand it. I loved you. It took me a long time to realize it, but I did. I’ve hurt and betrayed you and your brothers more than once. And you were always the first to forgive me. You told me once it was because I was one of the few people other than Sam and Dean that you trusted, and you didn’t want to lose me if you could help it.

               What I realize I should have told you was that you would never have lost me. I am so sorry that I was never able to help you with your physical pain. I know, after Lillith attacked you, you suffered more than you ever let on for your brothers. I tried to be there for you in any other way that I could. You told me once that you figured out that I stayed with you when you were in the hospital. After Dean left at night, I would come in and sit at the foot of your bed. When you would cry in your sleep for Sam, I’d mute your voice so that the doctor wouldn’t come in and hold your hand until it passed. Though I didn’t understand how holding your hand would help, I had seen Sam do it when you were upset or hurt, and it seemed to comfort you.

               Sam is still holding onto you. I don’t know what to do. Dean is just sitting there. He seems to be waiting for Sam to stop crying and to calm down before trying to move you. I don’t know what else to do right now, so I’ll sit here and wait with him.

**Sam**

               I didn’t think it was possible for anything to hurt so much. But when I felt your last breath leave your body, my heart left with it. It amazes me how, in the space of a half second, the world has completely turned on me. It’s always been a dark, lonely place. But you made it better. It was you that made life worth living.

               I have no idea what to do right now. I can feel Dean watching me, and Cass too. I feel them, but I can’t see them, because I can’t stop crying. I know they want to move you to your room, but I just can’t let you go yet. I can’t. It hurts too much. I just can’t do it yet.

               Cricket, please don’t be gone. Please, please, please just let this be a terrible dream. Whether it is or not, wherever you are right now, I hope you know that I love you. Come back, my baby. Please come back.

**Evy**

You’d think that having control over when I died would be cool, but it wasn’t. There were times, a few of them, that I wanted to just lay down and give up, but I didn’t. From the time I found out that I could control when I died, I somehow knew that the day would come when I’d have to make a choice. Between staying alive and suffering or leaving my family. Leaving Sammy.

               But that wasn’t on my mind when I woke up. I woke up in the same place that I’d landed a few hours earlier. It was a park. There was no one around. It was a clear, bright day, not too hot, and not too cold. A goldilocks day, as Jess used to put it. I wondered if I’d see Jess. I started to walk, and just like when I’d been here before, it was without a limp. Without the pain I’d gotten used to. I felt free. Even though I was dead, I felt more alive than ever. Just as I was about to start running, I heard a familiar voice.

“Hi, little one.” I turned around and saw him. “Daddy.”

               We shared a hug, and I couldn’t get over how different he seemed. He was no longer the tough, no nonsense father I’d had in the early years of my life. He was gentle. His shoulders weren’t tense. He didn’t seem on edge or like he was waiting for something bad to happen. He let me go and looked at me for a minute.

“I have missed you. So much.” he said.

“I missed you too, Daddy.”

“Turn around. There’s someone here to meet you.” he said.

               I turned around and saw her. I’d seen photos of her my whole life, but for her to be standing three feet in front of me took my breath away. She looked just like me. Long brown hair that went down to her shoulders. Brown eyes. I didn’t know what to say at first, until I finally found my voice.

“Mom?”


	2. 48 Hours Later

**Dean**

               I realized something as we brought your body out here for burial. I have never, not once, in twenty-five years, been pissed off at you. Hell, I can’t even remember ever being annoyed at you. But damn it, I am now. I am now. I keep looking for you. I keep wanting to check on you, see how you are. I guess after so many years of doing it I just can’t break the habit. As big a deal as I make about hunting being “the family business”, the most important thing to me has always been you and Sam. I know this was your choice, but damn, baby girl, how could you make this one?

               Sam’s been going back and forth from being a staring at the wall zombie to not being able to stop crying. He hasn’t eaten, and I know he hasn’t slept. At least not in his room. Not that I can blame him. I don’t think anyone’s been in that room since it happened. That’s another thing that caught me by surprise. We’ve faced who knows how many different things of the weird and scary varieties over the years. None of that really scared us. I’d do most of it over again in a heartbeat. But going in there, where you took your last breath, that scares me. Terrifies me.

               There’s no more stalling now. It’s time to light your funeral pyre. I thought Sammy would have been in one of crying jags, begging me not to do it, but he’s just standing there, staring at you. My heart’s breaking for him, but I don’t know how to help him this time.

**Cass**

               It’s been more of the same. Sam either cries or looks to the wall in silence. Dean tries to hide it, but he cries too. No one is talking. There’s nothing left to say. It’s like there’s no reason for anyone to keep going on.

               I thought I had a basic grasp on human emotions. Love, joy, sadness, even jealousy. But grief is something new. I’ve seen Sam and Dean lose other people before, but they’ve never reacted with this level of intensity. Neither of them has said anything about taking a hunt. I brought the idea up to Dean, but he immediately said no, and told me not to even think about bringing it up to Sam.

               We miss you down here. I thought about trying to go up to heaven to check on you, but I still don’t have the best reputation up there. Maybe it’s best if I leave you alone anyway. Let you get adjusted to life up there. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to do that.

 


	3. 1 Week Later

**Sam**

               I went into the woods this morning with a gun. I decided as I was lying in bed last night to do it. I was going to go deep into the woods early this morning, shoot myself in the head, and just end it. It’s all too much. I’ve been sleeping in your room because I can’t stand the idea of sleeping in mine. Maybe it’s selfish to do this. I know Dean is hurting too. For once, I don’t care about that. You’re not here, and the only other person’s pain I care about is my own.

               But when I got out there, I couldn’t do it. The gun was loaded and ready to go. My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest. I just stood there, under that tree, for I don’t even know how long. Finally it hit me. You were dead. Dead and gone. The shock of it finally wore off, and I hit my knees shaking and crying. I felt the pain coming through me in waves, and I let it come. Maybe if I did, I could start going forward.

               I should have known better than that. The only thing that could have taken the pain away from you being gone was you coming back. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I do know what finally made me get up. It was faint, almost a whisper, but I heard your voice. And for a minute, I felt like I could feel something around me. Were you there with me?

_I’m here, Sammy. Everything’s okay. I’m here._

**Dean**

               Hurt people do stupid things. I’ve always known that. Hell, I’ve done a few stupid things myself when I was hurt. But I never thought I’d try this again. I headed out to the nearest crossroads this morning. I had everything I needed, and I knew what I was going to do. Sell my soul to get you back. Anything but being here, having to deal with this.

               I don’t know why I was so surprised. The demon refused to deal with me. He wouldn’t take anything, even an offer to take me straight to hell. Maybe Crowley had something to do with it, maybe not. I hadn’t heard anything from him since before you got sick. I wondered if he even knew you were dead. When I got back to the bunker, I found Sam sitting at the table, a drink in his hand and his gun out on the table. I hoped he hadn’t been doing what I think he had been doing, but I didn’t ask. I just poured my own drink and joined him.

**Evy**

               I’ve heard before that there’s five stages of grief. The thing is, that’s not just for the living. For the first few days I was in heaven, there’s no doubt that I was in denial. It was, for lack of a better word, cool to be hanging out with my parents for the first time ever. I couldn’t get over the feeling of sitting at a table, Daddy on one side of me, Mom on the other. We spent those first few days just talking. They told me some stuff I didn’t know, like that mom had a family before she met Daddy and had me.

“I have a _sister_?” I asked, making both of them laugh.

“Yes.” Mom answered. “She was five years old when she…”

“It’s okay, mom.” I said. “It’s okay.”

               Mom had also been an athlete, and she and I spent hours going down to the park, running around and playing with Ruthie. Even though Ruthie was born years before I was, since she died at five, she stayed five, so I was more like the older sister. Daddy joined all of us occasionally. I asked about Mark, mom’s husband, and why he wasn’t there with us. Mom wouldn’t talk about it, and I didn’t want to pressure her, so I just enjoyed the time I had with her.

               Then, a week after I got there, something happened. I can’t describe it properly, but a feeling came over me and I knew something back at home was very, very wrong. Daddy tried to convince me not to look, because there was nothing that I could really do, but I couldn’t help it. It was the first time I’d even thought about checking on Sammy and Dean in the week. But I had to see what was so wrong.

               As soon as I thought to myself _I need to go home_ , I found myself in the bunker. I knew I wasn’t a ghost, because I had died and passed over willingly. But I didn’t question it; I didn’t have time. _Sammy_ , I thought, and then suddenly I was in the woods behind the bunker. I didn’t see anything at first. Then I heard something behind me. I turned around and that’s when I saw it. Sammy stood there, gun in hand, pointed at his head.

“Sammy! No! Don’t do it!”

               But of course he couldn’t hear me. At least I don’t think he did, because he didn’t so much as turn to try and find me. He just stood there, shaking, so I did the only other thing I could think to do. I ran up and wrapped my arms around his waist. That made the difference. Sammy hit his knees and started crying hard. I held on, wishing I could say something to make him feel better, do something to make him stop hurting so much. I decided to give it a try anyway.

“I’m here, Sammy. Everything’s okay. I’m here.”

               I made sure Sam was back in the bunker before I left. I didn’t know where Dean was. I suddenly remembered what he’d done when Sammy died years ago. I thought _Take me to Dean_ and then there I was. Dean was in the Impala, me in the passenger seat. I saw in the backseat what he needed to make a deal with a demon. I reached out and grabbed Dean’s arm.

“Don’t do it, Dean. Please don’t do it.”

               But touching him didn’t work the way it did with Sammy. So after a few more minutes of trying, I thought _take me to Crowley_ and I was standing in the throne room in hell. I thought that Crowley wouldn’t be able to see me, just like Sammy and Dean hadn’t been able to, but it had to be worth a shot. Which is why I was surprised when Crowley actually greeted me.

“Rabbit! What a surprise!”

“You can see me?” I asked.

“Of course. What can I do for you?”

“Crowley, you know what happened to me, right?” I asked him.

For the first time, at least that I remembered, Crowley looked sad. “I heard. I’m sorry.”

“So how can you see me?” I asked. “Sam and Dean couldn’t.”

“You can’t see souls on earth, love.” Crowley said. “You can in heaven and hell.”

“Okay.” I said. I found what he had told me fascinating, but I didn’t have time to talk to him about it more. “Listen, Crowley, Dean’s on his way to make a deal to bring me back.”

“How do you know this?” Crowley asked.

“I saw it.” I explained. “Please, please don’t let him do it.”

“It’s his choice if he wants to try…”

“Crowley, please. Please don’t let him do it.” I begged. “Please don’t take any deals from him.”

Crowley held up a hand to stop me talking. “…but I won’t let him. He’s screwed me over too many times.”

I relaxed. I don’t know why I was so sure he’d keep the promise to me, but I was. “Thank you.” I started to turn and go back to heaven, but Crowley stopped me.

“Rabbit.”

I turned back to him, and I was surprised to see that he had tears in his eyes.

“I know it’s been a bit…complicated between us. But I want you to know I’ve always admired you. How strong you are. I hope you’ve found peace.”

I stuttered a little but said, “Thanks. Goodbye, Crowley.”

“Bye.”

               I turned and left, hoping that maybe what I said to Sammy was true. Everything would be okay. I knew the chances were probably slim, but I had to believe it. Everything would be okay.

 


	4. 18 Months Later

**Sam**

               It’s your birthday today. The second one since that day. I always made a big deal out of them, even when you were older and made it clear to me that you hated it. I kept up the habit. I had a gravestone made for you, and every couple of weeks since I put it out here, I come out here to talk to you. I wonder if you know, if you can hear me, or if you’re so happy up there that you’re not paying attention. Part of me hopes that’s the case, part of me hopes you are listening.

               I cleared the weeds away from your grave, and took out the old flowers that were there. I put in the fresh ones I’d brought with me. I talked to you some, telling you about the hunts that Dean and I had been on. I didn’t really care about them, but I acted like I did. I missed your enthusiasm for stuff like this, figuring out puzzles, helping people. I talked to you a little longer, then finally told you goodbye.

“Love you, baby. See you soon.”

               Now I’m laying in bed, still thinking about you. It’s impossible for me to stop. My heart still hurts. It’s dull now, not the sharp guilt and depression that dragged me down the first few months. But it is constant. It won’t go away. I don’t really want it to. I’m worried that if it does, if I let myself feel happy, I’ll forget about you. I know if you were here, you’d tell me that was stupid. But you’re not here. I guess it’s time to go to sleep again. Dream about you being here, then wake up and live this all over again.

               Good night, baby. I hope you’re happy. I just wish I could be too.

**Dean**

               I guess we’re back into a routine. Sam and I take hunts as often as we can. At first, he didn’t want to, but I think Sam realized that if we were on the road working he wouldn’t have to think about you so much. He still won’t talk to me about you. He goes off into the woods sometimes for hours, and I wonder what he’s doing out there. I wonder if he’ll come back.

               It was your birthday today. I woke up thinking about what to make for you. I do that a lot. Wake up thinking about you. I used to do it when you lived with Sam at Stanford. Dad did too. Seems like when you aren’t there, I think about you and want you more. I guess it’s that old saying ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’. Not that I didn’t love you when you were here, but now that you’re not….you get the picture.

               We just got back from a hunt, so I don’t really want to go on another one. But I don’t want Sam just hanging around the bunker, so I’m going to look for another one today. I can’t find Sam anywhere, but hopefully he’ll come back soon and I’ll have one by then.

               Happy birthday, kiddo.

**Cass**

               I found a way to get up to heaven and check on you. I’ve done it a few times, but didn’t let you know I was there. I didn’t tell Sam or Dean about it either. You seem so happy. Each time I’ve been up there, you’re running around, playing, or talking with your mother, your father, or Bobby. Bobby caught me there once, but told me not to let you know I was there. He was afraid you’d want to try and go back. I didn’t want to listen to him, but I agreed.

               I’m doing the best I can to keep my promise to you, to take care of Sam and Dean. But it’s hard when they’re both so sad. You always knew how to cheer them both up. Some kind of joke, a hug, or even just laughing at something completely silly could lift the mood in the room faster than anything else. I’ve tried all that, but it just doesn’t work. I’ve been staying in the bunker with them most nights since you died, but I don’t know what else to do.

               Dean told me it was your birthday. I hope you’re having some sort of celebration up there. Happy birthday.

**Evy**

I definitely went through all those stages of grief. After a while, denial wore off, and I went into anger. I was beyond pissed. I was twenty-five years old, and I’d stay that way forever. Sam, Dean, and I had carried some heavy weights in our lives, but this one beat all. Why should it have to be me that keeps the world safe? Why should I have to live apart from my family to keep everyone healthy? It wasn’t fair.

               I tried to hide all these feelings from Mom and Daddy, but it didn’t work. They tried to keep me distracted, but that didn’t work either. I loved being there with them, but I missed Sammy and Dean so much. Mom tried to tell me that they’d end up there with me one day, but that didn’t help much. Sammy had tried to kill himself again, on the three month anniversary of the day I died. I knew they would end up there one day, I just wanted it to be later rather than sooner.

               I think I skipped the bargaining stage. I knew there was no way out of this and back. I went into depression and I’ve stayed there ever since. I left Sammy and Dean a video that I’d made for them. I’m glad I did it, but I think that made it real for me. I’d never see them again. Not really. And that, that really killed me.

               Mom gave me a birthday party today. I asked her not to, but she listens about as well as Sammy ever did. I told her there was no reason to, since I’d stay the same age forever, but she practically dragged me into it. It was kind of fun. Bobby, Daddy, Mom, Ruthie, Charlie, Ellen, Jess, and Ash were all there. Even Chuck made an appearance at one point. I hadn’t seen him since I got here. He and mom were off in a corner at one point, talking about something. I have to remember to ask her about that later.

               I guess I’ll go find something else to do. I don’t need to sleep, even though I can. I just said good night to Mom, so maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll check in on Sammy. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 


	5. Three and a Half Years Later

**Evy**

               I spent so long thinking about ways to get back to Sammy and Dean. I thought it was what I wanted. Get back with them, and back to my life. But Mom brought me another idea today. Go back to Sammy, but younger. Way younger. I’d be six years old, and it would be a fresh start. Sam would have the opportunity to raise me, the right way. No hunting, no monsters, no scary stuff; just a normal childhood, a normal life. I’d remember my life up to the point of when my appendix was taken out. After that, clean slate.

“No way! I don’t want to leave you guys.”

“You’ll be back, little one.” Daddy said. “You’ll come back one day.”

“No…”

“Baitfish, listen.” Bobby was trying to convince me too. “This isn’t really your home. Your time came way too soon. And Sam is slipping. He needs you back.”

“What do you mean’s he’s slipping?”

“He’s thinking about suicide again.” Bobby told me.

“How do you know that?” I asked. Bobby smiled at me. “You ain’t the only one that checks in on him now and then.”

               I had thought I wanted to go back. I really did. But now, looking around at the table, I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about it. No one said anything at first. I felt myself start crying, and I turned to look at Mom.

“I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You won’t.” Mom swore. “You’ll see me. I’ll be keeping an eye on you now, just like I’ve always done.” “You watched me? Before?” I asked.

“Yes. I did.” Mom said. She took my hands in hers. “Kitten, you did do a brave thing coming here. You didn’t have to. You gave up your life, your family. You saved the world. Now, you can save your brother.”

I looked at Daddy. “I don’t want to leave you again, either.” I looked over at Bobby. “Or you. I missed you two so much.”

“And we missed you, little one. But this is a chance you won’t get again. We won’t make you take it, but if you don’t, there’s a good chance Sam will be here soon.” Daddy looked sad, more like he had when I lived with him before. “I don’t want any more of my kids to end up here before their time.”

               I’d never felt so conflicted before. I wanted to stay in heaven, stay with Mom and Daddy and Ruthie and Bobby, but I also wanted to go back to Sammy. Have that normal life that Mom was talking about. I realized that they were right. The day would come when I’d be back. As hard as it was to leave, I could come back. This opportunity would never come again.

“I’ll do it.” I said. “If Sammy’ll do it, I’ll do it.”

“Good girl.” Mom said. “We’ll get the wheels turning. You’ll be home soon. Okay?” “Okay, Mom.”

Mom grabbed me in a hug and held me for a minute. I thought about how many times I’d done this with Sammy. Things would be bad, sometimes really bad, and he’d just stop, grab me, and hug me. No matter what was going on, I’d feel for a minute like everything would be okay. Maybe this time, everything really would.

**Sam**

**Four Days Later**

               Either I’ve officially gone crazy, or you came back to me. But if I’m crazy, then Dean and Cass are crazy too. Because you’re really here.

               You showed up three days ago, when I went to visit you out in the woods by your gravestone. It was a rocky first day. I’ve seen you get upset before, but never like that. I wondered if you’d end up hating me for doing this. Dean and I decided to keep you, rather than sending you back home. I’ll admit, it was mostly a selfish decision. The chance to get you back, to raise you the right way, was too good to pass up. And there’s no way I’d be able to let you go again. I don’t know what it was that made you change your mind about this while you were alone in your room, but I’m glad you did. I’m so glad you did.

               I haven’t figured out how this is going to work, but right now I’m not worried about it. I haven’t told Dean yet, but we’ll eventually have to move out of the bunker. I thought about starting you in school, but I want some time with you first. Besides, it’s April, and school gets out in a few weeks. It’s better for us to get moved and settled first, then get you in school. But enough about that right now. I just want to watch you sleep.

               I think I fell asleep sitting next to your bed, because I woke up a few seconds ago. I couldn’t figure out what woke me up at first, but then I saw you moving around on the bed. You had buried yourself under the covers, and were squirming around, whimpering. You were having a bad dream. It was like a reflex. I got on the bed with you, pulled the blanket back, and shook you awake as gently as I could. When you woke up, you grabbed me and didn’t want to let go. You were crying, but as I scratched your back and sang to you, the tears started to slow down then stop.

               You’re back asleep now, laying down and holding on to Beanie. I know I should go to my room, but I can’t. I’ll stay in case you need me again. In case I need to make sure you’re actually here. Good night, baby.

**Dean**

               This is beyond crazy. You’ve been back for three days now. You just kind of showed up. Sam walked into the bunker holding you on his hip. In the space of three days, Sam and I have gone from miserable, hurting, and alone, to happy and having a new lease on life. Sam told me that he was quitting hunting to stay home and take care of you full-time. I think he thought I’d be mad, but I’m not. I told him I was going to keep hunting, and he said it was fine. I don’t know if he really feels that way or if he’s just so focused on you that he doesn’t care right now. As happy as I am you’re back, I just can’t imagine doing anything else.

               Sam’s sleeping by your bed again. I’m thinking about doing the same. We missed you, baby girl. It’s been hell here without you. I’m going to bed now. I don’t want to crowd you, so I’ll just go in and kiss you good night. Sleep tight, kiddo. See you in the morning.

 


End file.
